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Introduction
Following is an outline of some of the issues that a psychotherapist
may encounter in working with an adopted person. It includes the
stages during which it is most common for an adoptee to present
themselves for therapy, what problems they may present and most
importantly the special needs that an adopted person may have. I
will start with a personal summary of what it is like to be adopted.
It is important to be mindful of the fact that there are other parties
involved in what is termed the adoption triad, these include the
birth mother and adoptive parents who may present themselves with
issues that will overlap those of the adoptee.
What is
it like to be adopted?
My experience of being adopted was like trying to wade through four
feet of water at all times, the drag that one experiences was how
it was to live my life. As a child it is scary to know that you
are different, to know you are mum and dads child but you are not.
It is bewildering to see friends look like their parents, brother's
sisters and to not look like anyone and to keep asking who am I?
And where do I fit in? It is confusing to not understand why someone
gave you away, did not want you and all because they "did it
for you" "to give you a good chance in life" and
that they "loved you". It is distressing and unhealthy
to live in fear and with constant anxiety that you will be abandoned
again, developing a need to be liked at all times and to please
everyone eventually abandoning those people first before they can
do it to you.
It took all my energy to unsuccessfully answer these questions in
my head, to understand and to fantasize about my real parents and
what life with them might be like (a lot better than this). Playing
the role of a perfect, happy child for these two people who were
kind enough to adopt me thereby ensuring (hopefully) that they will
not abandon me and return me as damaged goods. Living this life
filled with such loss, anger, sadness, grief, lack of identity and
self while in denial and unaware of it was like a life with no joy.
Every thing in my life was tainted by these deep feelings and emotions,
Most importantly knowing that something is wrong, to be in denial
surrounded by people that knew I was in pain and did not connect
or believe that adoption could have had such a devastating effect
on me.
When will
the adoptee attend a therapist
The most common time that an adopted person will attend a therapist
is when they are experiencing relationship difficulties. A significant
amount of adoptees attend therapy without paying much regard to
the fact that they are adopted, it may casually be mentioned without
believing that their adoption many years ago is still affecting
their life or relationship. It is my experience that there are counsellors
and therapists that disregard adoption as a cause of trauma and
distress, and most times believe it is the client's relationship
with the adoptive parents that is the issue. Occasionally an adopted
person will be brought to a therapist by an astute parent who senses
that all is not right with the adopted child. Often an adopted person
will attend at the commencement or during their search for their
birth parents (usually mother). This is not just a physical search
for their parents but a search on all levels especially a search
for them selves. Crucial to this search is support that may not
be available at home (secrecy, risk of rejection and abandonment)
and assistance in preparation for the outcome and what they may
find. Advice on the practicalities of search and reunion, timing
and issues around reunion will be needed. The birth of a child can
reawaken adoption issues - seeing for the first time in your life
another person that looks like you, and is genetically connected
to you can be problematic and create a new strange sense of connection
never before experienced by the adopted person.
Primary or Core Issues
The primary or core issues in the life of an adoptee are
abandonment
loss
bonding/attachment
A mother, father and family have abandoned a newborn. He has lost
its birth right to a family, his name, his history (genetic, medical,
genealogy) and in most instances information on any of the above
while never having had the chance to grieve.
Following from this is the loss of identity and self with the ever
present question, "who am I". Having not bonded with mother
and learned that very early life lesson all further attempts at
bonding will be influenced by this primal experience.
It will be seen that the above core issues relate to each subsequent
issue and most times will somehow be affecting the clients' behaviour.
Subsequent Issues
Arising from these core issues are subsequent issues that may be
presented when an adopted person comes for therapy
Fear of rejection
Trust - distrust issues
Intimacy issues
Loyalty issues
Guilt and shame
Power and control struggles
Identity issues
Fear of rejection
The adopted person views his or her abandonment as a rejection.
They feel this to their core. Their life is taken up with "I
was rejected once and it will never happen to me again". They
search for what they did wrong and will at the slightest hint of
a change in a relationship attempt to reject the other before they
will be rejected. They make an attempt to please people all of the
time so as not to be rejected.
Trust- Distrust
How can a baby who could not trust their own mother to love and
to care for them, as is their birth right, ever trust again? To
have lost that trust not just in mother but also in the universe
(mother is the universe to the new-born) is a shock and a life changing
disappointment. For the adoptee to learn to trust the adoptive parents,
friends, bosses and lovers takes a lot of hard work and energy.
All relationships are built on it. Distrust of women is most common.
Intimacy issues
Closely related to the above, intimacy involves closeness and letting
someone in. For most people their first experience of intimacy and
letting someone in is with mother and the adoptee has no experience
of this valuable life lesson.
Loyalty
Who does the adoptee remain loyal to - the parents that gave birth
to me or the parents that are raising me? Which are the real parents?
Guilt and shame
Originally, I believed that the guilt and shame that I felt was
mine, that I was shameful of being adopted and guilty of being a
bad person in order to be adopted. I believe that this guilt and
shame is sometimes the guilt and shame that mother experienced in
her life while pregnant with the unwanted child.
Power and control
The adoptee lost both power and control at the time of adoption
and struggles through life trying to regain both. This may be evident
in all interrelationships, however I have found that it becomes
particularly difficult in the work place.
Identity Issues
A lot of adoptees experience a lack of identity. "I do not
know myself so how could you?" "And if you did you would
not like it". Adopted people create many selves due to lack
of identity and loss of self and may not know who they are "being"-
they fear that if you were to see the real person they will be rejected.
Life problems and behavior related to adoption
As psychotherapists working with all clients we must look at present
day behaviors as a key to unlocking the unmet need or drive behind
that behavior. The infant or baby logic that "coped" with
all that happened will have influenced the grown ups behavior, habits
and life patterns. The following are a few pertaining to the adopted
person.
Acting out - the fears and anxiety press the adoptee to create and
set up the same scenario time and time again.
Antisocial behavior.
Outbursts of anger.
Display of emotions unrelated or inappropriate to the present.
Old head on young shoulders.
In the other world.
Wreak havoc at celebrations-Christmas and birthdays particularly.
Reluctance to get job (even apply-for the great fear of rejection).
Sabotage of friendships and relationships.
Extreme stress and anxiety.
Look of shock.
Inability to bond.
Working with adopted people
Many psychotherapists may ask how different are the issues, problems
and behavior of an adopted person different to many of their clients.
I would like to suggest a few:
o The rejection and abandonment of a baby most times within hours
and the trauma inflicted is primal. I can think of no other experience
that will have been inflicted on a person so early in life to the
same degree, and in the absence of ego development to assist the
baby to cope with the shock, pain and confusion of what is happening.
o For the client this means that the foundations of the ego and
personality development are very weak and often difficult to be
built on. As a therapist it will be important to discover where
there is a strong block on which to build. For me I had to discover
a bond and love that had existed and I felt with my mother. This
took me about six months of psychotherapy.
o Related to this is how does the therapist work - by building up
the ego or peeling away the layers, suggesting a need for a very
gentle approach to the client.
o Adoption is a solution to the problems of the birth parents and
a time for celebration for the adoptive parents. The adopted person
may never be given the permission needed to grieve their losses
and most times the trauma is not even acknowledged. The adopted
person has been affected by this event and will feel responsible
for making it or allowing it to happen.
o It may be necessary to explore the dynamics of an interracial
adoption, secrecy and discretion, (most times a person will have
kept their adoption secret) or grown up in a "family"
with the birth child of the adoptive parents. Adoptive parents often
do not want to discuss adoption with their child because of what
it brings up for them, making the adopted person feel very isolated
and alone on their journey.
o An adopted person may not want to believe that adoption is causing
problems in their life (due to the unbearable pain of it) and many
therapists may believe this also.
Time for change
For many years I told myself I was unwanted and unlovable. I then
realised that this was not accurate - I was not wanted or loved
for two years of my life but I am now and this does not mean I am
unlovable.
For the client some of the real healing comes about by the re framing
of thoughts and patterns and the rewording of the story they are
telling themselves. I believe that the therapist must view the adoptee
as a survivor not a victim at all times and communicate this to
their client.
Adoption in the past has been seen as a solution to unwanted pregnancies
and as a supply of babies to those who cannot conceive. It was shrouded
in secrecy, no information passed on to the adoptee and no legal
right to it. Most importantly adoption was seen as the end of a
problem with no regard to the adopted person, their special needs
and acknowledgement of their abandonment, loss and suffering. Things
are changing slowly. Understanding of and compassion for the great
loss and needs of the adopted person is required of all those involved
particularly the therapist. Adopted people have been held in institutions.
Those are the same institutions that we read about daily. Therapists
must be aware that an adopted person may have suffered physical,
sexual and or emotional abuse at the hands of their carers. In my
experience most were cared for very well but due to the circumstances
and a child's logic or perception at the time a different vision
has been created.
Organisations
Barnardos Adoption Advice Service- These are the only people in
Ireland to assist adoptees in their search and reunion. As a lobbying
group they put pressure on government for legislative change (we
are about twenty years behind England) in Ireland to providing information
and promoting a more open, healthier approach to adoption. Extremely
under funded they may be an important resource for adopted people.
Contact - Christine Hennessy or Patricia White, Barnardos, Christchurch,
Dublin 2, Phone 01-4530355.
Adoption Board. Second stop after Barnardo's, they hold all the
information and decide who gets it and who does not. Phone 01-8871392
APAI - Adoptive Parents Association of Ireland. Phone 01-8252043
Adoption and Fostered Persons Association Of Ireland, A lobbying
group for legislative change in Ireland. At present focused on the
adoptees right to information about the circumstances of their adoption.
© Michael Candon.
Books
Verrier, N (1996) The Primal Wound, Understanding the Adopted Child
Gateway Press.
Lifton, B.J. (1994) Journey of the adopted self, A Quest For Wholeness.
Basic Books (Perseus Books Group).
There are numerous websites that may be of assistance to you or
to your clients.
Michael Candon is a psychotherapist and an advocate of best practice
for the needs of children in adoption and fostering. In September
he will commence a series of workshops to explore adoption issues
in Dublin, Navan and Killaloe-anyone interested in the subject may
contact him directly.
Michael Candon
Ashfield Cottage
Beauparc
Navan
Co. Meath
Ireland
Phone / Fax (00353) 046-902 4062
Mobile (00353) 086-816 7376
E-mail michaelcandon@eircom.net
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